therapist

therapist calling any minute. cant handle being out of inpatient. not doing as well as i think i should be doing. should be feeling much better. was gone for 5 1/2 days though. life feels a little different. maybe b/c full dose of one med isnt completely in my system. heart is racing. so manic today, yet so depressed. gotta like the mixed mania episodes. thats what happened the night i tried to kill myself. poison control said i should have. did i write that in the last post? plus it didnt help that i was wasted. i was having a great night. came home and bam! hit me like a rock i suppose. im so impulsive. thats my problem. always have been. thats why i do the things i do half the time. thats why i always cut. i havent done it in months upon months. they were always impulsive acts, most especially when i was drunk. didnt cut until my second night in hospital. (first night didnt count because i wasnt admitted until like 1 am). cut with the bottom part of a bic pen. so stupid but served the purpose. went and told the nurses right away though. put me on suicide prevent. blah blah. i was going to kill myself. i just cut. but i get it. precautions. i dont know what else i should be doing while waiting for my therapist to call. im beyond anxious. sorta panicy (is that how you spell it?!?). cant stop shaking. keep having to go back and fix my typing errors because i cant type as fast as my mind is thinking right now. trying to slow it down. this is taking alot of concentration. yet still errors. so fuck that. blah blah. my minds so scattered, dont know which is which and what right is right. my mind is hitting blank spots when i try to find a topic to think about but then i eventually just start rambling on and on and on about why i cant think of the topic. who would want to read this shit? no one. thats why i have no followers. thats okay. its not for that reason. i just need to type out my feelings sometimes instead of writing. bc trying to write when my mind is racing this bad, turns out to be insanely all over the page and hardly readable. whatever. sotp and smoke a cig. goodbye

psychooo

just got out of the psychiatric hospital yesterday. it felt so great to be out of there and free and able to smoke cigarettes and breathe the fresh air and do anything i wanted to do. today it hit me. its strange being back into the real world and have reality thrown at you when you spent 5 days in a place where all your needs (for the most part) are met and all there is are people to help you. in one sense, who would ever want to leave that? yeah its a fucking mental hospital. its not quite the stigma you want. it is what it is. but is it really what it is? i tried to kill myself. what? i tried to kill myself? while i was in the hospital, the head nurse called poison control to see if what i took was lethal? that it was. i should have died. i could have, more than easily, died. did i want that? maybe. but i called for help.

2 hits

so.. here i am. 2:20 in the morning bc i decided to be bad again and pop 2 ecstasy EVEN THOUGH i was just straight tripping out for 21 hours yesterday. so what the makes me tonight? no so sure. i dont think it matters. i makes me happy. all i want to do is smile, giggle, dance, and twirl around glow sticks. thats not harmful. yeah, i get that i am numbing my "pain". although, i would agree that i am numbing my issues. bc who would want to feel shitty in some sense and not want to feel happy. this does have to end though. im out of pills now so i am done. they were supposed to be saved for the country fair. just like the bag of molly roomate has/had. most of it will be gone tonight. its all good. we'll find more. right now, im feeling pretty damn fucked up. i felt great from the first hit, it hits hard. but it doesnt last all that long. so i popped another. now im just totally trippin. gotta keep trying to refocus looking at the screen. i should go to bed. i have work at 9 and really should go in early. but i dont want to kill the good feeling by going to bed and in a sense, wasting it. thats how i feel at least. stay up for a bit more. its 2:25 now. see.. it took me 5 minutes to type that and noramlly that would take me about 2 minutes if i had to think hard about something. now i just keep losing track. haha. leave it up to me. doug benson. super high me. watch it. hilarious. on the tv now. he is damn good. seeing him live was soo much better. he was high as fuck. thank god i was too. made it even better. one of the most fun things i have done. first comedy show ever. will definately not be the last. clenching my jaw soooo bad. i hate that!!!! the only bad thing about that drug though. keep trying to remember and catch myself doing it so that it doesnt get worse. so annoying, especially since i hate gum with a passion. and that is what makes you stop clenching. chewing gum makes me gag. i think its from the saliva that massively builds up in your mouth. how digusting. who came up with gum? fucking stupid idea. in my view.

really?

i just spent about a good 15 minutes on a good ramble about money, jobs, school, frustration. and guess what? freakin somehow didnt figure out how to save it and it all went down the toilet. really?

whatever. now that im even more frustrated, im smoking a cig and coming back to getting some shit off of my chest.

back. then got distracted with random, stupid shit. im manic today. as ive been told. all over the place here. and sometimes, unfortunately, my manic states are mixed episodes so its the worst of the bipolar. blah blah. thats not the point of all of this. what i originally was writing about was my fucking quarterlife crisis. im sick of my job. ive been there for 3 years. yeah, sure ive gotten one raise since and a better title for my resume. but thats about it. made some friends, yada yada. so im stuck. started the job hunt, found one right up my alley, rocked the interview but doesnt pay as much as the other. so well, i took work half of my usual shifts at original job and then a few at the new one. but i dont think its necessarily worth it. is it? i dont think so. others do. stuck. sacrifices would be made if i took it. couldnt get any time off i wanted, cant rearrange my shifts so i can do some of the things i want. thats pretty sweet if i admit. i work for some of my closest friends. so i cant go wrong. but im making coffee and a few other things. cook. scoop. pull shots. thats about it. that wont get me far in life. im not sure what will. im told to do what i like. what will make me happy. ok.. what makes me happy; going on adventures and traveling anywhere, taking pictures, writing, reading, frolicing with friends. all that good stuff. but seriously? if i were to find a job in any of those areas it would be from a magic spell. having national geographic send me all over the world to take pictures and write about it? being a professional reader? yeah, ok. that would never happen, not even in my wildest dreams.

so whatever. quarterlife crisis. im almost 30. half of my friends are married with babies. the ones i grew up with and went to college with. what the hell am i doing? sure, i moved across the country and started a new life. but does that matter? im not so sure. im not getting any younger. thats for sure. i want a family. i want to raise children more than anything. so.. basically, im stuck in this circle of not figuring out what i want to do and getting absolutely nowhere in life.

okay. im done. whew