therapist

therapist calling any minute. cant handle being out of inpatient. not doing as well as i think i should be doing. should be feeling much better. was gone for 5 1/2 days though. life feels a little different. maybe b/c full dose of one med isnt completely in my system. heart is racing. so manic today, yet so depressed. gotta like the mixed mania episodes. thats what happened the night i tried to kill myself. poison control said i should have. did i write that in the last post? plus it didnt help that i was wasted. i was having a great night. came home and bam! hit me like a rock i suppose. im so impulsive. thats my problem. always have been. thats why i do the things i do half the time. thats why i always cut. i havent done it in months upon months. they were always impulsive acts, most especially when i was drunk. didnt cut until my second night in hospital. (first night didnt count because i wasnt admitted until like 1 am). cut with the bottom part of a bic pen. so stupid but served the purpose. went and told the nurses right away though. put me on suicide prevent. blah blah. i was going to kill myself. i just cut. but i get it. precautions. i dont know what else i should be doing while waiting for my therapist to call. im beyond anxious. sorta panicy (is that how you spell it?!?). cant stop shaking. keep having to go back and fix my typing errors because i cant type as fast as my mind is thinking right now. trying to slow it down. this is taking alot of concentration. yet still errors. so fuck that. blah blah. my minds so scattered, dont know which is which and what right is right. my mind is hitting blank spots when i try to find a topic to think about but then i eventually just start rambling on and on and on about why i cant think of the topic. who would want to read this shit? no one. thats why i have no followers. thats okay. its not for that reason. i just need to type out my feelings sometimes instead of writing. bc trying to write when my mind is racing this bad, turns out to be insanely all over the page and hardly readable. whatever. sotp and smoke a cig. goodbye