really?

i just spent about a good 15 minutes on a good ramble about money, jobs, school, frustration. and guess what? freakin somehow didnt figure out how to save it and it all went down the toilet. really?

whatever. now that im even more frustrated, im smoking a cig and coming back to getting some shit off of my chest.

back. then got distracted with random, stupid shit. im manic today. as ive been told. all over the place here. and sometimes, unfortunately, my manic states are mixed episodes so its the worst of the bipolar. blah blah. thats not the point of all of this. what i originally was writing about was my fucking quarterlife crisis. im sick of my job. ive been there for 3 years. yeah, sure ive gotten one raise since and a better title for my resume. but thats about it. made some friends, yada yada. so im stuck. started the job hunt, found one right up my alley, rocked the interview but doesnt pay as much as the other. so well, i took work half of my usual shifts at original job and then a few at the new one. but i dont think its necessarily worth it. is it? i dont think so. others do. stuck. sacrifices would be made if i took it. couldnt get any time off i wanted, cant rearrange my shifts so i can do some of the things i want. thats pretty sweet if i admit. i work for some of my closest friends. so i cant go wrong. but im making coffee and a few other things. cook. scoop. pull shots. thats about it. that wont get me far in life. im not sure what will. im told to do what i like. what will make me happy. ok.. what makes me happy; going on adventures and traveling anywhere, taking pictures, writing, reading, frolicing with friends. all that good stuff. but seriously? if i were to find a job in any of those areas it would be from a magic spell. having national geographic send me all over the world to take pictures and write about it? being a professional reader? yeah, ok. that would never happen, not even in my wildest dreams.

so whatever. quarterlife crisis. im almost 30. half of my friends are married with babies. the ones i grew up with and went to college with. what the hell am i doing? sure, i moved across the country and started a new life. but does that matter? im not so sure. im not getting any younger. thats for sure. i want a family. i want to raise children more than anything. so.. basically, im stuck in this circle of not figuring out what i want to do and getting absolutely nowhere in life.

okay. im done. whew